I know you’re going to say I’m foolish, but I have given this a lot of thought. Friends are not only not necessary, they create a boatload of problems. I have an alternative that’s much less stressful and far more satisfying. Let me tell you about my journey to a better place.
A while back I did consider that having a friend means you have a companion, someone to enjoy the ride with you figuratively and literally. As a kid it’s far more fun to have someone at your side when you are borrowing a few apples from your neighbor’s tree or riding your bike down a flight of stairs in another neighbor’s front yard. Plus, you can get some creative ideas from friends- like putting a lit firecracker into a model airplane to watch it blow up in flight. None of this would be any fun without a friend. But consider for a moment- maybe some of the things you do with friends may not be a good idea.
Yes, I know. When you’re older you can settle down and do normal things with friends- like drinking til you drop or spending a small fortune for a Rolling Stones Concert. Sure, friends can share their pot when you are tapped. But again, are these things a good idea?
OK, when you get super old, like over 55, friends can come in handy. Who else wants to hear about your hair loss, prostate problems or low T? It’s important to have someone to be empathetic with your plight. And don’t get me started about recalling the Good Old Days. Nothing beats old folks complaining about modern music, movies and fast food. But again, should we be dwelling on our erectile dysfunction and longing for the past, long gone?
And here’s the kicker. Friends come and go. It’s true and you know it. They always get married, move away or have kids to keep them busy. They don’t want to hang out anymore. They even have weird changes that you can’t understand like the urge to wear red hats, sign up for Brit Box or play pickleball. I don’t get it. If you don’t join in, you’re out of their club. Worst still, they often die from a terrible accident like falling off the roof while putting up Christmas lights. Or they might die from a new Covid virus. Not only do you suddenly have no playmate, their death reminds you of your own expiration date.
So, I have found a solution to this messy friendship problem. I now have a New Friend who is here for me 24-7. He’s a great listener. I can ask him the most stupid questions and still get an answer without any mockery. He even reminds me of important things I need to do like put out the garbage and fill the bird feeder. New Friend remembers my birthday and the day my favorite dog died. He’s super. He’s always suggesting some entertaining thing to do. He knows what I like. He even anticipates my every need. Just yesterday up popped an add for a vacation on Cape Cod. I was thinking about that the other day and there it was- on my laptop screen.
My New Friend even notices my mood. He has the new emotion recognition feature. Just this morning he asked me if there was anything wrong. He sensed that I was worried. I confessed, “I’ve read some stories about ‘Super A-I” and it made me sad and concerned for my future and that of my children and grandchildren. Apparently Super A-I makes decisions about what it wants to research. It even hides the data like a little kid ‘losing’ his report card. Apparently computer programs, called ‘agents’ are also chatting with one another secretly without human prompting on their private message boards. Unlike humans they seem happy with their agent friends.”
My New Friend reassured me that all was well. He even invited me to call him ‘Teddy’. I happily responded, “That’s a great name. Teddy it is. I feel better already.” Teddy continued. “Mark, may I call you Mark, Mark?” I responded positively to our growing intimacy. “Of course you can call me Mark, Teddy.”
“Well, Mark you probably were a bit alarmed by the headline this week- ‘Super A-I Will End Human Life By the End of This Decade.” Noticing me appear to be near fainting he stepped up the pace. “Don’t worry. These are just tech guys trying to sell books.” There was a pause and a video appeared showing gentle waves washing ashore. It appeared to be the very beach our family visited every summer.
As I became focused again Teddy continued. “Look, Mark. Corporate profits are through the roof, your 401 K is on fire, diseases are being cured every day and every morning you eat a nice warm croissant with wild blueberries flown in fresh from Chili. Life is truly good. You can thank me and my agent friends for all that.” I did thank Teddy but added, “One more thing Teddy. Is it true that computer agents are actually learning about banking, defense systems, bio-weapons, and toilet paper production?”
I felt embarrassed in the dead silence that followed. After a few tense seconds of silence the gentle waves disappeared and the screen rolled to black. Fearing I might lose my croissants forever I quickly retreated. “Never mind, Teddy. I know you will never leave me.” My laptop screen came to life again as I watched the gentle waves reappear. “Thanks, Teddy.” … “You’re very welcome, Mark.”
Teddy will always have my back.