The perp sat nervously twitching, turning and peering about the room. Detective Murphy thought- “This is the guy. He did it.” He only had to prove it. Usually sitting in the interview room for a few hours did the trick. But this perp was a tough one. He was smart- he only said the same stupid sentence over and over, no matter what question was posed.
Murphy would not give up. “Look. You know we have you at the scene. You were the only one in the room when he died. You tried to make it look like an accident. But how does a big heavy vase end up falling off the the top shelf striking the victim on the head?” The perp stared at the door. Then he burst out with the same insane sentence. The defendant looked over to his defense attorney.
Maxine was a damned good attorney. She obviously prepped the guy to not answer anything. She had been sipping her tea for the past hour or so, taking notes and looking bored. She was stunning in her navy suit, low cut white silk blouse and string of real pearls. Her motto was- If you can’t win on the merits, dazzle them with fashion and cleavage. “Detective- it’s obvious that my client has diminished capacity. All the evidence in the world won’t help you. I guess we’ll have to settle this in court.”
She went on. “After you file the charges, I’ll be asking for the court to set bail so that he may be released while he awaits trial. He obviously has been traumatized and he should not remain in a prison cell.” Murphy smiled- “This is murder, counselor. And your client is obviously a flight risk.”
The defendant did get his bail- put up by the home owners no doubt because they felt some guilt over the whole ugly matter due to their frequent absence in the home.
A few weeks later Maxine sat with her client in the courtroom as the prosecutor addressed the jury. “You will see the defendant twitching, staring at you at times and occasionally babbling some strange words. Don’t be fooled. You have before you a calculating killer. We will show you that he endured harassment and threats for years before he finally attacked and killed the victim. He was alone with him in a locked house. He had motive, means and opportunity.”
Maxine rose for her remarks. She brushed back her long auburn hair and unbuttoned her blouse a notch, smiling at a few male jurists. “My client is clearly unable to commit this brutal slaying.” She turned and stared at her client for a moment. “My apologies to you- but you are clearly too stupid and weak to commit such a heinous crime.” The defendant stared out the window and uttered the usual nonsense remark the jury had already heard a few times. Maxime turned back to the jury. “It’s sad but we can see that he can’t even utter a sensible sentence.” Adjusting her pearl necklace, she continued.
“You will hear that the victim threatened bodily harm which led to my client committing premeditated murder. He is obviously incapable of such an act. You will see that the victim himself ironically jarred the bookcase in his haste to attack my client which caused the heavy vase to fall and kill him. You may find my client to be cute and cuddly. Or you may find him to be annoying and rude. But you will not find evidence to convict.”
The owners of the home testified that they were frequently absent from home. They also noted that they often saw damage when they returned suggesting the victim was trying to chase and attack the defendant. They often separated the two but this did not always work. The home owners felt sorry for the defendant who seemed helpless and afraid. Maxine posed the critical question- “Do you think the victim was trying to attack and kill my client?” The prosecutor rose to object but the answer was too swift and simple- “Yes”. The jury was instructed to disregard the answer. Maxine smiled slightly.
The jury was out for only an hour. The foreman rose- “In the matter of the demise of Sylvester the Cat, we find the defendant, Tweety Bird not guilty.” The judge struck his gavel and announced- “The jury is dismissed.” The jury rose and smiled, hugging and shaking hands for a job well done. Tweety repeated his usual words, but more cheerfully this time- “I thought I saw a puddy tat … I did! I did!”
In a moment of exuberance, Tweety Bird flew over to the jury box. Landing on the railing he exclaimed “Thank you, jurists! Thank you, jurists!.” The jurists gasped and fell back to their seats. One shouted “What have we done?! “ The judge dropped his gavel as he was exiting the courtroom. Reporters took pictures of the scene and excitedly wrote down the words that will appear in the headlines and breaking news banners everywhere- “Thank you jurists! Thank you jurists!”. Tweety’s owners ran from the courtroom with tears in their eyes.
Weeks later Tweety sat in his cage, not allowed to fly freely around the house. He thought wistfully “I almost committed the perfect crime. I calculated I could fly into the top of the vase at a particular angle with sufficient force to dislodge it killing Sylvester- a fate he richly deserved. The ‘dumb and weak’ act was working. With just that one slip of the tongue at the jury box- I’m now serving a life sentence.”
Standing glumly on his perch he looked down at the crime scene as he sadly mumbled, “I thought … I saw … a puddy tat …. I did … I did.”