Judge Stephanie Martin struck the gavel and began the trial of the century. “Please be seated.” She waited for the packed courtroom to settle into their chairs. The press from around the world remained standing at the rear of the courtroom. Cameras fixed on her every gesture.
She took a sip of water to be sure her speech would be clear. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I want to thank you for your service here today at this momentous time in mankind’s history. I appreciate your patience going through the arduous jury selection process. The defendant is entitled to a jury of his peers and it was indeed difficult to find anyone close to that criteria. But here we are.” The cameras panned over to the jury. The world saw an assortment of beards, sweaters, overalls and some neck and forearm tattoos.
“I will have no disruptions in my courtroom. In a moment the defendant will be brought into this courtroom. There will be no shouting, no questions and no unseemly noises of any kind. Any disruptions in this courtroom will be met with immediate expulsion from these proceedings.” After another sip of water Judge Stephanie continued. “I know many of you have a fear of being involved in these proceedings. I want to insure you that you are completely safe. But for security sake, the defendant will be in chains since handcuffs are insufficient.” Facing the jury she added. “You should not allow the use of such restraints to affect you deliberations. You must keep an open mind.”
The jury, spectators, and press all released a stifled gasp as the defendant was escorted into the room by six beefy guards. The public defender, Bradley Schmidt, rose. “Your honor, the defendant has agreed to be addressed as Mr. Foot since he is commonly know as “Big Foot”. There are no records of his birth, place of residence, education or employment. He is unable to provide such information. Since he is basically homeless and without language, I ask the jury to not prejudice their opinions regarding the charges against my client due to his dire circumstances. Furthermore, he is entitled to dress or not, according to his own comfort.” Mr. Foot sat in a special double wide chair. Even seated he exceed the height of his standing public defender. The defendant, furry and naked except for a super long red tie, glanced anxiously around the room.
The charges were read by Judge Stephanie. “Mr. Foot, you are charged with threatening the lives of four campers at 11 PM on July 4th, 2027. How do you plead?” Mr. Schmidt rose again. “Your honor, my client pleads not guilty.” The judge then remarked, “Very well. You may address the jury with opening remarks.”
The jury listened carefully, with many taking copious notes as Mr. Schmidt portrayed his client as a simple sole living peacefully in the woods for many years. “In fact, jury members, we will show you that he has attempted to avoid all contact with compers and hikers in the area for fear of being shot.” He pointed to the defendant. “Though he may appear dangerous he, in fact, is fearful of others, and correctly so. We will show that Mr. Foot has been pursued by hunters and photographers for many years.” Mr. Foot gave a nod of affirmation. “On the night in question, Mr. Foot was curious and lonely. He decided to attempt to sit with the so called victims, around their campfire. Instead of being warmly greeted Mr. Foot ducked as logs and rocks were hurled his way. Gunfire followed as he fled deep into the woods. Mr. Foot is the victim here.”
The prosecution offered their opening remarks. The prosecution countered with a description of the terror felt by the campers. “One camper was hospitalized suffering a heart attack. Another suffered a broken leg as he chased to beast into the woods. While firing his rifle in self defense he fell over a rock incurring his serious injury. All the victims have had PTSD symptoms whenever they pass by a forest.
The trial was lengthy. Psychologists were called to discuss the consequences of living alone in the woods with no human contact. Ecologists and environmentalists spoke about the diminishing wilderness promoting such encounters. The prosecution offered experts citing the need for capturing beasts to avoid animal attacks on innocent children. They cited the rights of campers to freely burn things without the fear of being attacked by Mr. Foot.
In the end, Mr. Foot was found guilty. He was ordered to stay within a certain boundary with a special ankle bracelet to track his movements. No camping would be allowed within the 50 acre confinement area. Brief contacts with the press were allowed along with contact with researchers from various scientific communities.
Flash forward five years. We see that Mr. Foot’s agent has secured a product contract that allows his image to appear on various products ranging from backpacks to sneakers and hairy underwear. Big, as he’s now known, communicates with the world through a laptop. He stated in a recent text to his 1.8 billion followers- “On the 5th anniversary of my trial, I want to thank my followers for their loyal support. I want to also announce that the construction of the new Hairy Big Foot Amusement Park will begin next month, located on the gounds of my 50 acre preserve. Season passes will be issued for the anticipated opening day, exactly one year from today. Hairy Big Foot merchandise is now available at Costco and BJs everywhere. Thanks again.”
Everybody loves a happy ending.