I used to be considered an intelligent, articulate and sophisticated person. I recall making an astute comment on the perils of climate change at the family Thanksgiving dinner five years ago.
My son, Martin, was concerned about the growing cost of the typical Thanksgiving dinner. He announced to the family- “Did you know that the cost of a typical dinner rose 12% in just one year.” Some family members in shock put their forks down on the plate with a clang. His sister, Marlene, challenged Martin- “No way. Turkeys are super cheap and potatoes are too.” Citing his source, Martin responded- “The New York Times food critic wrote about this yesterday. The study compared the cost of the exact same meal over the last twenty years, adjusted for inflation.”
I listened to a chorus of complaints about the price of everything going up, even toilet paper. The grandchildren ignored the adult complaints and glanced at their smartphones on their lap. No doubt they were playing games where alien turkeys are attacking earth, or something like that.
As the conversation waned with dishes being passed for seconds, I entered the discussion with my usual insight and wisdom. “The colorful reds and oranges at this table deflect us from an ugly truth. We dine on the carcass of this poor beast, which was raised, fattened, slaughtered, wrapped and shipped to us by corporate America.” The silence that followed indicated profound thought was breaking through the tasty distractions.
I continued. “The 12% increase in cost sadly reflects the depletion of commodities in a planet bursting with 8.3 billion people. The cost of farming and bringing this to our table is much greater than 12%. The hidden costs of abundance and consumption are climate change which will insure even greater costs in the very near future until we face the collapse of the capitalist system.” The awkward silence was broken by “Please pass the squash.”
Flash forward five years to the recent Thanksgiving family feast. I will describe to you the permanent fall from my position as the purveyor of truth and wisdom. At the familiar family feast, I responded to a comment about toilets. I broke into a fairly lengthy lecture about the history of toilets. ”Toilets are a relatively modern feature of human life. In pre-toilet history waste was recycled on the boundaries of your property. In addition to the recycling feature, waste was a convenient way of marking your territory.” Silence followed.
Having taken the dominant role as speaker at the head of the table I continued. “Using leaves to wipe yourself in the olden days, was far more ecologically sound than killing off forests to make billions of rolls of toilet paper. The leaves and waste are recycled on site whereas modern waste must be processed at water treatment plants which use energy and chemicals.”
The silence was broken by chuckles which rose in volume to full belly laughs. One grandson pointed out. “Grandpa, we were talking about the best way to cook steak … ‘broil it’…” There was no further discussion about human waste, climate change or the true cause of human decline- greed.
My status as the titular fountain of all knowledge was shattered. Even hearing aides did not restore me to my rightful post. Still, as the years pass I have to admit that the annual recall of my toilet lecture brings joy to all. I will have the last laugh, however. I have acquired an enormous amount of toilet paper which will soon become the preferred currency.